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Relationships & Sexual Desire: Let’s talk libido ladies

Relationships & Sexual Desire: Let’s talk libido ladies

Your partner has been away, they come home tingling with excitement, their libido skyrocketing to get you alone.

You on the other hand, have been dealing with the daily grind of life and managing kids on your own. Your libido is teetering on the edge of exhaustion.

Yes, you are excited to have them home but your first thought is “can you do these 100 things for me while I reset AND THEN I’ll have sex with you?”

What you feel is completely normal! There is no such thing (especially for women) as a libido light switch.

Just as it takes adjustment for the family to get back to routine life with another adult in the house, so does your relationship. This doesn’t mean that the connection between you has necessarily changed or reduced. It just takes some time to revive the connection you NEED to be intimate again.

Why don’t you want to have sex straight away?

Like the majority of women, you don’t experience spontaneous sexual desire. 75% of men experience spontaneous desire compared to 15% of women. For most women (30% compared to 5% of men) it takes time, effort and the right circumstances for sexual desire and excitement to unfold. If this is you, you experience responsive sexual desire. You need something to activate your sexual cravings.

What affects sexual desire and libido?

Pffft, EVERYTHING! It’s easier to ask what doesn’t affect your libido than it is to ask when does affect it. Consider things like medical conditions, medications, stress, fatigue, kids, work demands, financial burdens, previous sexual history, trauma, pregnancy, childrearing and elderly parent needs. Even the music that is playing at the time or the words your partner uses!

It’s not just negative associations that reduce your libido. It’s also the positive contexts to increase your libido that are important.

This interaction between your STIMULANTS (turn-ons) and SEDATIVES (turn-offs) is a struggle as modern living becomes busier and more complex. The last couple of years have been especially difficult as we tackled more changes than usual including juggling working from home, daily chores and home schooling.

How do I know what I need to boost my libido?

It’s time to discover the tempting personal circumstances for your sexual desire! Grab a pen and paper and take a good look at your current responses.

Find your stimulants

When you have has great sex or felt a string desire for sex, write down what was happening at that moment. What was the setting, your feelings/emotions towards yourself and your partner, scenario and actions? What ere you thinking about?

The more detail you can write about the whole scenario before, during and after sex the better.

Find your sedatives

When you have been completely switched off to sex, write down what was happening at that moment. Again, what was the setting, your feelings/emotions towards yourself and your partner, scenario and actions? What were you thinking about?

The more detail you can write about the whole scenario before, during and after sex the better.

Now, take a look at your two different scenarios and choose one thing from each that you can change today.

What is one thing you can now do to ignite one of your stimulants and help keep it alive?

What is one thing you can do now to diminish the impact of one of your sedatives?

How do I tell me partner what I need to stimulate my libido without offending them?

Simples…By speaking to them.

Men can also experience responsive sexual desire but a higher number of men experience spontaneous desire meaning they understand what you NEED.

Starting the conversation is the hardest part. Here’s your talking points to get the conversation flowing:

  1. How you feel when they first arrive back from a stint away.
  2. What you need (in general) in those immediate hours after they arrive to help you relax.
  3. What you specifically need to boost your sexual desire.
  4. What your biggest sedatives and stimulants are. Let them know whether it’s something they can help with, or whether they need to leave you alone to sort it out yourself.

Letting your partner in on what you need is essential for your relationship and sexual satisfaction and inspiring your desire when you need it. The more you reflect on your stimulants and sedatives, and the better you can communicate these to a partner, the more your libido will ignite on demand.

Check out Vanessa’s other post on Sex and Relationships – it’s time to get real